warning there's a lot of complaining in this one

09:33 - 11/5/26

what i wouldnt do to have skipped this month

okay well maybe thats a little dramatic but this month has kinda sucked, like a lot, and i've had a lot on my plate, which is probably why i've only posted here once this month (sorry!! ) i've been in like a mood/ energy low all month and i've kinda let a lot of things fall apart and it all looks so big now that i dont know if i'll ever have the energy to fix them, the lightbulb in my room has been out for like two weeks so i've been doing everything in the dark but i genuinly cant muster the energy to fix it, i know that if it was someone elses lightbulb i would fix it in an instant but the second its mine it's like my brain cant even be bothered to consider doing it.

i've also been really struggling with my body image and dysphoria lately (i know i know) and i wont get into it too much (i might be a little stupid but i know to be a little careful when im so blunt about being a minor on the internet) but sometimes i just feel so wrong and weird, you know that thing thats like "i feel like a hare in a world full of bunnies"? its just like that

and the other day while i was waiting for someone at a shopping center this lady complemented my outfit and it was really nice but when i thanked her and she heard my voice her face just dropped and she looked kind of disgusted and walked away. it was such a small interaction but it just keeps replaying in my mind over and over, i dont want to be a monster or a freak or something to scoff at, i just want to be a kid and actually be able to be myself and enjoy myself in public. anyways im probably not going out again any time soon lol

theres also been a lot of stuff going on in my social life too, well not really mine since i only consider like two people to really be my friends (not counting my gf obvi!) but if we're talking social circles then i've lost a good chunk of mine, i dont really mind that though since as mentioned before i wasnt really that close with any of them but its been really hard on someone else who very very much matters to me. i've talked about it before in a post thats now hidden but i lost a friend who was extremely important to me and even though i knew she wasnt a good person and that our friendship was really toxic i still missed her presence so much to the point of puking and insomnia, and those conflicting feelings were, and still are, so painful and dificult and seeing someone i care about so much feel the exact same way broke my heart in a way i didnt know it could, because i also knew that i couldnt help, because i was also still struggling with it, and i had no solution i just had to sit there helplessly and tell her that i knew how she felt. i've been trying to stay strong and be a good support but everythings just been getting to me and i kinda broke down a little bit too her and im so worried that i worried her or made her life harder with my hysterics, but she was so kind and considerate and im so gratful to have such a wonderful person in my life and i hope i can help her as much as she's helped me

wow, that was a lot of whining, anyways things arent all bad!! my birthday is only 8 days away for starters!! and things have kinda seltled down a little for now which is nice

anyways i'll go back to my usual normal posting soon i just needed to get this off my chest ^^;