11:14 - im so god damn tired i was up all night cuz i got into a fight with my mum and tbh i was too angry to sleep and i've been dealing with so much for so long i dont think i've had a propper genuine break since february the only times im ever really relaxed is when im alone with my girlfriend other than that im always stressed about like ten diferent things and i've been trying so hard to keep it all together but im tired man i need like 15 naps in a row and i cant focus on any of my assesment work and i alread have a lot of trouble with self motivation and its only been getting harder and harder to handle everything to the point where i constantly feel sick im exhausted man bleggh :p
11:31 - im gonna start trying to work on putting my writing on here because as cringe as it is it usually makes me feel better
13:00 - woooooo!!! i got my writing to work on here and made it looks nice!! it can now be found from the homepage!
18:32 - i feel so sick right now i hate my family i need to puke whats wrong with me my head hurts but i dont want to leave my room to get water
18:54 - every time i talk to my mum, even when we're having a good time i just remember that she isnt actually even hanging out with me. i dont exist to her, when she looks at me all she see's is the distorted shadow of a little boy who came out wrong and died the first time he looked in the mirror and realised how much he hated what he saw. she has never once given a fuck about the girl who took his place. i like weird music and im snarky all the time and a self destructive people pleaser and i do everything i can to help people even when its hurting me because its the right thing to do. all of those things are fundemental parts of who i am and she hates all of them. the only time she's ever happy with me is when i fall into the idea she has of that "boy" and the second the daughter she actually got steps out of that idea she gets upset. she always goes on about how much she does for me but she never actually done any of that for me, only ever her idea of who i should have been. i have to fight so hard for every little thing that actually lets me feel like me, every rude or judgmental comment, every time she says i look like shit the second i try something new of actually get any confidence in myself that i turn a blind eye too, because the only other option is falter and let myself be turned into someone im not.
but you know what? fuck her and fuck everyone else who wants me to stop being myself because i will never stop being me because this is the girl i want to be.
20:28 - i dont know how i feel about anything anymore. i still need to puke. i just want to see my gf but im basicly grounded so i guess i dont get to be around the only person who makes me feel like im something that lives in my town.
