at the start of the year i met someone online who i grew really close with really quick, she was one of my closest friends i've ever had and i told her things i've never felt comfortable sharing with anyone else (just mental health stuff) and she would share her secrets with me, we were each others safe spaces. by no means was a friendship healthy though, for starters when i met her a i was 14 (15 now) while she is 18, and while i ranted/ vented maybe once every few months i would have to talk her down from suicide every day and it took an awful drain on me and leave me completely energyless and exhausted but i would still talk to her every day bc she was my friend and i loved her (PLATONICALLY) (BIG EMPHASIS ON PLATONICALLY). she got a girlfriend and for a while her mental health seemed to be improving for a few months and it was really nice to see, but eventually they broke up and thats when my friend got really bad, i thought she had died upwards of 6 times over the course of two and a half months, it was awful and i dont think i have ever been so exhausted and scared, i would go without sleep and couldnt focus on my schoolwork, i dont think i ever really recovered from this period if im being honest. over a bit of time i managed to get her feeling better again (with a lot of effort) and one day she told me she was going on a date and i was super happy for her and i was so excited, she was starting to act a bit like her normal self. about half an hour later a get 3 texts that say "Im gonna throw up", "Im cancelling my date and e.verything i cant handle it anymore i cant keep going Im sorry I cant none of tjis is worth the pain", "Goodby e i love you honey". and then she blocked me (she would do this when she was about to attempt) and i was obviously distraught, it was so bad to the point where like 5 different teachers pulled me aside and asked about my health and 2 of them contacted home over it, not to mention my friends all getting worried about me. and i just kinda tried to swallow me feelings (as anyone does when they find out one of their closest friends has committed suicide) and for over a week i just sat in nothingness, i was grieving with no one to talk to because who cares about some stranger online. ten days later, i had fully excepted she was gone, one of my best friends was dead, and then her profile picture changed. i try my hardest to not get angry, especially at those i love but i dont think i have genuinely felt that mad at someone in my life, before or after, because even after everything, she still hadnt unblocked me. its been four months now, four months since she has said anything to me, four months since i have been able to even know if she's okay, four months since i had any conformation that someone i care for deeply is okay, i've seen her go through so many pfps and new names and yet through non of her time online has she thought to reach out to her only friend (i can not stress this enough i was her entire social life she didnt talk to anyone but me). i've been angry, i've been sad, i've spent hours upon hours trying to find her anywhere, to talk to her in any way and even when i find a slip in the cracks she blocks me, no explination no nothing. in the span of 30 minutes something happened that made me lose one of the most important people to me, without even an explination maybe im unhealthy and maybe im in the wrong and maybe i just need to let go of what was by all means an awful friendship but i dont care, i would tear myself in shreds if it meant one more conversation